The Dialect of Anger
When I talk about anger, I like to start by asking a simple question: “Is it alright to be angry?”
I get many responses to this question, but most of them amount to saying the same thing: “No.” This response never surprises me. After all, who wants to be angry? Just the word anger is enough to conjure up bad memories of when we said or did something that prompts feeling guilt or shame. On top of that, we are constantly receiving messages from our environment that anger is “bad” through movies, television and social media. Anger acted on ineffectively can lead to damaging emotional consequences that we cannot forget. When we become emotionally dysregulated, anger often leads to harm in our relationships.
But what if I told you that feeling anger was not only normal but healthy? Anger is a part of being human and an important one at that.
In the early days of human history, anger gave us the strength to fend off predators, and protect our loved ones. Humanity would likely not have survived and thrived the way it has without anger. In today’s world, anger can be used to identify our core values, motivate change and overcome obstacles. It is an emotion that energizes us and motivates us to reach our goals when they feel threatened.
Understanding this dialect is key to understanding anger. Dialectics is when two things that feel opposite can both be true at the same time. Anger can be a powerful tool for human behavior helping us overcome obstacles and stick up for our values and it can often be unpleasant and even destructive when left unchecked. In DBT, we recognize that both sides of this emotion are true.
So how does one find a balance between these two points? There are many different ways and I believe there are several key parts of effective anger management. The first step is using mindfulness skills to effectively observe and label the experience of anger. After all, how can one manage something if we are unaware of it?
By using the DBT model for describing emotions, we can find different ways to observe and describe our emotional experience of anger. Through self-reflection, one could identify their repeated prompting events for anger before the emotion occurs or even recognize bodily sensations that are commonly associated with the emotion in the moment. If you are having difficulty reflecting, notice what is different from your baseline experience when you are angry. Common things to pay attention to are energy levels, heart rate, temperature and muscle tension.
After you have identified your emotion, it’s time to think about how to address it. What can be done to manage this feeling now and in the future? There are many different skills learned in our skills groups that can be applied to anyone’s goal of managing their anger effectively. One option to effectively manage your emotion is to remove yourself from the cause if that is possible, which is part of the STOP skill. If that is not possible distracting yourself with a pleasurable activity can often be effective, which is part of the ACCEPTS skill. Music or exercise are commonly used as distractions, which can be a part of TIPP or IMPROVE. These and other skills are taught in the distress tolerance module in our weekly DBT skills group. These skills, and many others can assist with regulating intense emotions such as anger.
It is an important thing to remember to experience our emotions, including anger, non-judgmentally. It is ok to feel anger. Anger is a normal hardwired experience and it can be harmful to act on our urges when experiencing anger. If you often find yourself struggling to control these urges or being unable to calm down when experiencing anger, contact us to set up an appointment. Great Lakes Therapy Center is committed to assisting clients effectively cope with and explore the dialectic of their emotional experiences through individual and group work.