Hey Parents, how about dispensing some validation today?
You are returning to your parked car and remember that you need the parking ticket validated. What if, when you ask for parking validation, you received “real” validation? Movie director Kurt Kuenne asked himself that question on his walk to a validation booth. The result is a sweet, short film titled, naturally, Validation.
In the movie, T.J. Thyne plays a parking attendant who dispenses both free parking and free compliments. The cheerful parking attendant considers it his job to do more than validate parking. He validates the customers themselves, dispensing compliments about their appearances and their inner qualities. Everyone who comes up to him with a ticket walks away validated as a worthwhile human being. Soon, the parking attendant becomes so popular that people line up for validation.
The parking attendant in Validation is intentionally looking for the good and dignity in everyday people. Everyone that gets in his line is worthy of real validation, and people line up to receive it.
Why? What is so magical about a simple validation? Humans need connection. Validation fills that need, the need to be seen, heard, understood and appreciated.
In parenting, this is especially important, and can be very challenging to do. The importance is best understood when we consider what an invalidating environment looks like. Our emotions serve as a rapid communication system. If a child lacks validation of his emotions, the child instinctively feels as though the message was not received; this is the body’s natural, and biological response, which leads to the need to escalate the emotion. The parent then may increase efforts to stop the communication (understandably), often by some means of invalidation. The back and forth continues until one side backs down. Most often, it is the exacerbated parent that gives in, which inadvertently reinforces the pattern of escalated emotion dysregulation.
In DBT, we practice validation by finding the kernel of truth in another person’s perspective or situation. This is done by validating a person’s experiences, emotions, thoughts, words or actions; by verifying the facts of the situation. Through this validation, we communicate that we understand the person’s perspective. We acknowledge that all emotions, thoughts, and behaviors have a cause, even if we don’t know what the cause is.
As a parent, you are recognizing and accepting that your child has feelings and thoughts that are true to her, regardless of logic, or whether it makes sense to anyone else.
How is this done? There are six ways to practice the DBT skill of validation:
Pay attention: Look interested, listen and observe. Simply be present. Put the cellphone down. A child knows when a parent is truly paying attention to them.
Reflect back: Say back what you heard or observed to be sure you understand what your child is saying. “So, I hear you saying……”. “It sounds like you feel….”
Read minds: Be sensitive to what is not being said by your child. “I’m guessing that it hurt your feelings when…..”
Understand: Consider how your child is feeling based on their history and biology. Your child’s past experiences and their own biology influence how they think and feel. If your child was bitten by a dog, he may not be comfortable visiting a relative that owns a dog. “I understand how you are feeling about the trip, given the time that you were bit by the neighbor’s dog.”
Acknowledge the valid: Express that you see that your child’s thoughts, feelings, or actions are valid, given current reality and facts. Many children benefit from knowing that they are not the only ones that feel the way that they do. “Of course, you are anxious. I bet most of your teammates are nervous about tryouts this weekend.”
Radical Genuineness: Treat your child as if he is capable of effective and reasonable behavior. Radical genuineness is showing your child that she is a “real” person with “real” feelings.
The next time you have a few moments with your child, consider your child to be a customer in line, in need of a parking validation, but pleasantly surprised when you hand out some “real” validation. The reward will be a smile, or more importantly, a moment of connection. And if you need some motivation, I urge you to watch Validation. It is 16 minutes that are certain to inspire you with its magical presence.